7:58pm LIVE at the hovel that is my house, it’s the 80^th Oscars and another live blog!  Save the applause for after the show.

I’ve got my eight-ball of coke to keep me awake during the ceremonies, and the kids have been given two shots each of Jack Daniels so they wouldn’t bother me…so we’re all set.

8:03:  Regis Philbin accosts George Clooney and mentions him in the same breath as Cary Grant.  If I can drop my snarkiness for a moment let me just say that George Clooney is a class act and seems like a nice guy.  I hate him.

8:07:  Javier Bardem is on the red carpet and he just put that cattle gun against Regis Philbin’s head and killed him.  No one noticed.

8:08:  Regis came back from the dead to throw Miley Cyrus to the crowds. 

8:12:  The loveable Mickey Rooney is there.  He’s leading Dorothy to Oz on the Red Carpet.  Seriously, he's like the oldest living Munchkin, isn't he?  Oh, that Andy Hardy, you gotta love him.

8:13:  Jennifer Garner is hot.  I hate Ben Affleck, too.

8:14:  Regis almost had a heart attack when Helen Mirren mentioned her next role is a madam in a whorehouse.

8:14:  Daniel Day-Lewis just drank a milkshake.

8:16:  Cameron Diaz mentioned that Daniel Day-Lewis stayed in Bill the Butcher character the entire 6 months of the Gangs of NY shoot.  She casually mentioned that Day-Lewis killed 24 people during the making of the film.

I was actually hoping that the strike wouldn’t be resolved ‘cause they were going to show more clips, which means that they actually may show relevant clips when introducing the nominees.  Alas, it was not to be.  The strike was resolved, and we’ll get the same inane clips we tend to see each year.

8:22:  Ellen Page just turned 21 a couple days ago and she mentioned she was going to get a couple drinks.  DAMN!  I knew I should’ve gone to her birthday party.

8:24:  Someone stop him.  Regis is backstage at the Kodak Theater and he’s taking no prisoners.  I think SWAT was just called in.

Jack Nicholson is sitting next to Javier Bardem.  Daniel Day-Lewis is trying to move up in his seats.  This is shaping up to be a very violent Oscars.

8:30:  Nice little montage of a truck bearing the Oscars heading towards the theater, passing through various movie stars and clips to open the show.

8:32:  Jon Stewart walks on stage.  Will the audience laugh this time?

8:33:  Nice joke about the cancellation of the Vanity Fair after Oscar party out of respect for the writers:  “…it’d be a nice sign of respect to actually invite some of the writers to the Vanity Fair party.”

8:36:  Hey, Stewart just gave a shout out to Norbit with its two nominations.  “Too often the academy ignores movies that are not good.”

8:38:  Diablo Cody is looking for a stripper pole.

8:39:  The first nicely received political joke.  Of course it was a Republican joke.  The one about Clinton was applauded somewhat tepidly.

8:41:  Jon Stewart had a great monologue, and Jennifer Garner presents the first award for costume designer.  Jennifer Garner is hot, did I say that?  Meanwhile my wife is furious that Jennifer Garner’s arms don’t have fat on them after having a kid.

And the Oscar goes to Alexandra Byrne for Elizabeth:  The Golden Age. 

8:44:  Barbara Streisand reminiscing about the tie when she won her Oscar.  Well, I wouldn’t call it reminiscing so much as bitching.  “A tie??  I thought my performance was pretty good…”  It’s the humility that makes BaBa the star she is today.

8:47:  George Clooney is out there giving us 80 years of Oscar, the first of the obligatory montage trip through memory lane.  I could do without it.  At least it wasn’t too long.

8:51:  Anne Hathaway and Steve Carell are presenting for best Animated Features.   I think they’re both in the new Get Smart movie.  They make a cute couple.  Nancy Walls has got to be pissed.

Oscar goes to Ratatouille.  Why don’t we just go ahead and give all the Oscars for best animated feature to Pixar?  And let’s just all agree right now to keep Brad Bird from ever doing another impersonation of his high school guidance counseler.

8:56:  Katherine Heigl is out there presenting for makeup.  She’s nervous as shit, her voice is quivering, and I think she’s going to cry.  Steve Carell made a joke earlier about needing to throw up, but Heigl really looks like she’s going to yak.  If they show that in next year’s montage, I would have no problem with that.

La Vie En Rose gets the Oscar for makeup.  Man, the lady is trying to say thank you to everyone and the music started up to get her ass off the stage after about two seconds.  They're really moving things along.

8:59:  The first song “Happy Working Song” sung by Amy Adams from Enchanted.  Ummm, she’s got a good voice, but c’mon, do we really have to listen to this crap?  Nothing from Bob Dylan?  I don’t know how the nominating process works, but when three fucking songs from one movie are up for best song, something’s wrong.

9:01:  Another clip from past Oscar winners.  This time, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones.  Seriously, do we care?  I mean I guess they’re nice people and all, but let’s get some REAL talent in there.  I’m assuming this was part of Plan B in case the writer’s didn’t resolve their differences with the studios.  It should’ve been Plan Z.

9:06:  I’ve gotta figure out another seating arrangement.  My knee is killing me.  But the show must go on.

9:07:  Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) presenting for visual effects.

The Oscar goes to golden compass.  Never saw it, but the books are good.  Check ‘em out. 

Boy those visual effects guys are a rowdy bunch.  I guess you get ‘em out from their computers and they go nuts.  One of them brought a chalkboard on stage showing the formula that says yes, The Golden Compass was NOT as good as The Lord of the Rings movies.

9:08:  Cate Blanchett is out to present for Art Direction.

Oscar goes to Sweeney Todd.  Nothing to say.  It's already been a violent night.

9:13:  More clips on past winners.  I think Stewart should just go back to making jokes on what a great actress Cate Blanchett is (he mentioned that not only did she play Queen Elizabeth and Bob Dylan, but also the pit bull that attacked Josh Brolin in No Country for Old Men.

Oh, Christ.  Do we have to relive Cuba Gooding, Jr again?  I mean, the man’s selling underwear now.

9:15:  Kate Hudson is out to monotonally present the best supporting actor. 

Javier Bardem gets the Oscar.  Lot of good roles, though, any one of these guys could’ve gotten it if Bardem hadn’t killed them all.

Class act.  His mother is seated next to him at the show, and Bardem just thanked his mother in Spanish. 

9:23:  Finally, a clip montage I can get behind.  A salute to binoculars and periscopes in case there were no writers.  Even better was the bad dreams salute they just showed.

9:24:  Kerri Rusell is introducing the second nominated song, "Raise It Up".  I think it's from August Rush, or The Titanic, not sure.  Again, the wife is enraged ‘cause Russell apparently just had a baby and there’s no fat under her arms.  She just grabbed her cattle killing machine and booked a flight to Hollywood.  I can’t stop her. 

9:28:  Stewart just made a joke about Holbrook.  The camera cut to Holbrook and he gave Stewart the finger and left in a huff.  Wait.  That was the guy behind Holbrook, but he may have just been heading to the head.

9:29:  Owen Wilson presenting for best live action short film.  At least he took the bandages off his wrist.  Should I have said that?  Was that crass?  Am I out of turn?

Oscar goes to Le Mozart des Pickpocket.  The guy’s English is not good, but he’s doing his best.  I hope they don’t try to music him off.  (They don't.)

9:31:  More clips, but this one was about bees.  They actually showed a clip from The Swarm.  Fantastic.    Seinfeld as the bee presenting for Best Animated short film.

Oscar goes to Peter and the Wolf. 

Is it me or is this ceremony moving along?  It feels like it is.

9:35:  More clips.  Strike that what I said before about it moving along.  Seriously, let’s just do away with plan B.  Alan Arkin comes out to present best supporting actress.  My wife says she loves him.  I may have to divorce her.  Between her rages at how thin former pregnant women were and her love for 1000 year-old men, I don't think there's any hope for us.

Let me just say right now that Tilda Swinton looks like Mr. Heat Miser with that flaming red hair of hers.  And she won.  Complete surprise.  Great acceptance speech.

9:40:  Now Sydney Poitier is tripping down memory lane.  I thought this was going to be pretty good…”There is no honor in the motion picture business…” but then he finished it with something about ‘greater than the Oscar’.  Oh, well.  Maybe next time we’ll get the real dirt.

9:44:  Jessica Alba is telling us that she was there in giving out the scientific and technical awards at the geek dinner.  I bet that was something.  All these geeks and old men must’ve been beside themselves.  An honest to god good looking young woman having dinner with them and they didn't have to pay an escort service.

9:46:  Josh Brolin and James McAvoy are presenting for best Adapted Screenplay.

Coen brothers win for No Country for Old Men.  They made a helluva movie, but they ain’t too good at giving acceptance speeches. 

9:49:  The obligatory appearance of the guy that runs the academy.  He goes through the process, like we give a shit.  Again, guys, you should’ve gotten rid of plan B.  No one cares, and even if we did, we kinda already know how it works.

9:52:  Miley Cyrus introduces the 3^rd song from Enchanted.  There’s a rush to the stage to get Cyrus’ autograph.  Never seen anything like it.  Grown men and women forgoing all decorum.  Jack Nicholson is doing the achy breaky dance.  I think that’s what he’s doing.  Or, his Viagra kicked in.

9:55:  I’m sure some people like this song, but, really, the spectacle of people in sombreros, construction workers doing back flips, guys in tuxes…there’s a gay dance troupe who’s missing dancers right now.

I still think this thing is moving along nicely.  Of course, it may be the hit of acid I took before the show, but it’s like no time has passed.  I could’ve sworn this time last year, I was going to do an Owen Wilson and slit my wrists.  (I should stop with that, shouldn’t I?)

Speaking of suicide attempts (ok, that was the last one.  I promise), I’m a little surprised we haven’t yet been given the obligatory dance of the dead:   all the stars that kicked the bucket in 2007.  We're an hour in and they haven't somehow stopped this thing cold in its tracks.

10:01:  Dame Judy Dench and Halle Berry are introduced by Stewart, but Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill go out and argue about who’s going to be Dame Judy and Halle Berry.  They present for best Sound Editing.

Bourne Ultimatum gets an Oscar.  Jason Bourne accepts and then dashes off after using the Oscar, the microphone, and Jack Nicholson’s sunglasses to create a bomb that will go off in five minutes.

10:05:  Still Seth and Jonah presenting for Sound Mixing, and still arguing about who gets to be Halle Berry.

Bourne Ultimatum gets another Oscar.  Which kinda makes it awkward as Jason Journe was just leaving the building, ruining a dramatic exit.  After some awkward silence, he defused the bomb, and kinda stayed on stage way too long, and got pissed when the music tried to shoo him off.  He killed Seth and Jonah with two wicked punches, and Bill Conti was killed when Bourne threw the Oscar into Conti’s eye.  Seriously, most violent Oscars ever.

10:08:  Uggh.  More clips from past lead actress winners.

Forrest Whittaker comes out to present best actress.  He won last year for his portrayal of Idi Amin, and I think he’s still in character ‘cause he came on stage eating a human leg.

Another surprise.  Marion Cotillard won for portraying Edith Piaf.  I guess the Golden Globes were right.  Remember those?  Yeah, I didn’t either.  She’s very happy, she’s babbling.

10:18:  Colin Farrell slides up to the podium and introduces the 4^th song from Once, “Falling Slowly”.  I refuse to see this movie ‘cause the people that have seen this movie look upon it like a religious experience.  See?  They’re singing a hymn.  Not for me, thanks.

But I’m assuming it’ll win for Best Song.  Just to piss off Enchanted.

10:22:  Jack Nicholson comes out and does his best impersonation of Jack Nicholson.  I feel another clip montage coming on.  Yep.  Best picture montage.  Hey, this one isn’t too bad.  They’re starting from 1929 and going in chronological order.  Kinda cool. 

10:27:  Renee Zellweger presenting for Film Editing. 

Wow.  Bourne Ultimatum gets its 3^rd Oscar.  I was wondering how strange it was going to be for Roderick Jaynes to get the Editing Oscar, and who was going to accept it for him, but I guess we’ll never know.

10:31:  Nicole Kidman is with us to talk about Robert Boyle.  Since I've never heard of him, I’m guessing he’s gonna get an honorary Oscar.  And at 98, they better hurry up.  Seriously.  Every second counts.

He doesn’t sound too bad.  I mean, he’s 98 fucking years old.  Good for him.  I can only hope to look and sound as good when I’m 60.

10:42:  Penelope Cruz out to present best foreign film.

The Counterfeiters gets the Oscars.  He’s Austrian.  I don’t trust him.  Oh, wait.  He just said his family had to leave because of the Nazis.  Whew.  He’s one of the good guys.

10:44:  Patrick Dempsey introduces the last song from Enchanted.  "So Close."  I will never see this movie ‘cause it’s bogarting the song category.  Do you think the sequel will be Disenchanted, and it’ll be about the life of the princess when she loses her job, her prince divorces her to take up with the young filly down the hall, and has to take to hooking on the streets in order to survive?  The third part of that trilogy will be Re-enchanted and it’ll be about the princess in a drug addicted spiral, but going through rehab and becoming a sergeant in the Army and winning a Medal of Honor in Iraq.  My ideas.  They’re on paper now so no one can have them without paying me money.

10:48:  John Travolta, trying to convince everyone he’s not gay by playing a woman in a fat suit (it’s called hiding in plain sight) and is presenting the Oscar to one of those songs.

"Falling Slowly" gets the gold.  Good for them.  I still refuse to see the movie.

John Travolta just tried to convince the winners to read Dianetics.  Dude gives a nice acceptance speech, but apparently Bill Conti was jealous and cut off the chick before she even had a chance to get to the microphone.

10:52:  Oh, Christ.  More reminicess.  This one from Spielberg about his win for Schindler’s List.  Crybaby.

10:57:  Now that’s class.  We come back from commercial and Jon Stewart just brought the chick who shared the Oscar for Best Song back out to give her thank you speech.  Good move since they fucked it up.  Seriously, that was nice.

10:58:  Cameron Diaz is out to present for cinematography.

No Country for Old Men, right?  Let’s just go ahead and say it. 

Nope.  There will be blood.  Roger Elswit gets it.  Good for him. 

11:01:  Hillary Swank…uh oh.  I feel death creeping in.  Yep.  The death roll.  Tepid applause.  I guess people aren’t really sure how strongly they should applaud.    When they put Ledger’s name and face up there how big is the applause going to be?  And if it’s too big, is someone going to misunderstand and get pissed?  Suzanne Pleshette and Deborah Kerr got some good applause.  Ingmar Bergman got a huge applause.  And it ends, of course, with Heath Ledger.

11:08:  Amy Adams out to present best Original Score.  I honestly don’t know much about this category, but I do know that There Will Be Blood was woefully overlooked.

Atonement won. 

11:11:  Tom Hanks introduces some soldiers and airmen from Baghdad who run down the list for best Documentary Short.  I’m thinking this is plan B, but I don’t mind this one so much since their heart is in the right place.  Hell, they read the winner, too.  How’d they do that?  Did they open up the envelope in Los Angeles off camera and tell them what it was?  Was Dick Cheney involved?  Should there be a Congressional Inquiry?

Freeheld wins.  It’s apparently something about a gay woman.  Or an auto mechanic, I’m not sure.

11:15:  Tom Hanks stays up there to present the winner of best Documentary Feature.

Oscar goes to Taxi to the Dark Side.  This one hasn’t been released in NC yet, but I’m looking forward to seeing it.  Another piece of evidence in the impeachment proceedings against Bush and his administration.  My opinion, of course.  But you know I'm right.

11:19:  We get Elton John and his memories about his Oscar telling us that the Oscar is “the real deal”.  Thanks, Elton.  I don’t think truer words have ever been spoken.

There was a contest for best Dove commercial?  No one told me about this thing.  Cleaning my scrawny ass with Dove would’ve been a winner for sure.  Or a horror film.

11:23:  Lame joke by Stewart introducing Harrison Ford.  Has Ford had a stroke?  Or is he drunk?  He’s kinda moving and talking slow.  But, hey, when you’ve saved the world as many times as he has, I’ll cut him some slack.  He’s presenting for Best Original Screenplay.

Oscar goes to Diablo Cody.  She’s wearing a leopard print dress.  Or maybe it’s a cheetah print.  She just ripped off her dress, but she’s got pasties on so it’s ok.  I wonder if Entertainment Weekly can keep her as a columnist now.  At least a bump in pay, right? 

11:29:  They’ve beat me down with these montages from the past.  I like them now.  I really do and I want more.  I think the Oscars should do this all the time.  I’m sobbing uncontrollably now.

11:30:  Which brings us to Lead Actor, and Helen Mirren is out to present.  Daniel Day-Lewis is already walking up to the stage, which is kind of awkward, but who's gonna stop him?

Daniel Day-Lewis wins it.  Is he going to say it?  Is he going to tell everyone he drinks their milkshake? 

Nope.

It’s 11:36 and this thing is about to wrap up.  Is this the fastest Oscar ceremony in history?

11:40: Best Director clips.  Martin Scorcese walks out to present best director.  Should be Coen brothers.

Yep. 

11:44:  Denzel Washington out to name Best Picture.  Again, should be No Country for Old Men, but Bardem is getting his CO2 tank ready, just in case.

Yep.  Hopefully Scott Rudin can now earn enough money to get a razor.  And he just gave a shout out to his partner:  “Without you, honey, this would just be so much hardware.”  Which officially makes it a Hollywood ceremony.

And it’s over.  Not bad.  Stewart did a great job, kept things rolling, and it seemed to go by pretty quickly.  See you next year.  Or next blog, whichever comes first.