by Sarah Jeanne

What is it about God's roundabout ways of bringing us to our destiny that keeps us interested in the first place? Often times, I find, you will receive the reverse of the promise first: you are put in a place on the complete opposite side of the spectrum from where you want to be, leaving you to wonder why and how He could promise you one thing but give you another. It's in these moments that you have to fight the urge to settle for Ishmael when you know you need to keep on waiting on Isaac.

"Thank you. You did a great job; we'll let you know." I felt my nervous breath betray my cool demeanor as it exited my body in a softly audible, "Phew!" This had been my first audition in almost 10 years. So many emotions were tied to that moment, I wasn't sure how to compute them all: relief, adrenaline-infused excitement, joy, and an exposed vulnerability. They all blended into a real-life version of that crazy dream where you suddenly realize you're in the middle of a crowded room with no clothes on. You're naked and exposed to the elements around you with no escape.

I (and my family) have known that I was going to be an actress since I was 3 years old. It was then that I took part in my first dance recital. As I was extremely creative and energetic even at that young age, my dance teacher talked my mother out of putting me in ballet and placed me in a tap class instead. The year was 1980 and Strawberry Shortcake was a very popular toy character in the United States that year. Our entire dance recital was themed around Strawberry Shortcake and, since the song we danced to was about a cute little Doggy, we were dressed as the character PupCake, Strawberry Shortcake's pet puppy. Once we got offstage, my mother presented me with a stuffed pillow she had made in the likeness of PupCake as a reward for doing such a good job. I was so enthralled with it, I had to share it with the world and as a result, a 'ham' was born. Our performance had been the last one before the show's intermission, so when I ran out onstage to show the world my pillow, I found I had a captive audience. I proceeded to show everyone my PupCake and give a repeat performance of the dance that had earned me such a prize. My mortified mother (who was heavily pregnant with my younger brother) ambled onstage to 'fetch' me, only to be outrun by my boisterous 3-year-old legs.

When my mom finally caught up to me on the side of the stage, it was too late. The fire had been lit, and my desire for an audience overtook me as I escaped her grasp and ran back out again. By this time, I had a rollicking crowd lingering behind to watch. I continued this escapade several times until the reinforcements arrived to help my mother corral me. To this day, my mother fondly recalls that day and the moment she knew I was destined to light up the stage.

Through the years, I have been blessed to be involved in many different aspects of acting, both on stage and film. I even started working toward a college degree in Musical Theater until, at the age of 20, I found the opportunity to travel the country far too tempting. At the time, I knew college would always be there and one did not necessarily need to go into debt hundreds of thousands of dollars for a degree to be on stage. But as the world goes, rent does not pay itself and food does not magically appear in your fridge. I ended up working at jobs that took me far away from acting, and the arts, just to survive. I worked in offices and restaurants of all kinds, just trying to keep my head above water. It seemed as though my love and dreams of the stage and film were shuffled into the background files of yesterday; I actually kept hearing all of the guidance counselors' voices from over the years in my head: "Acting? But what's your backup plan? You need a career."

When I moved to San Francisco, I was not yet saved. I got involved in some secular musical groups and did performance art and choreographed dance with them. I was happy to once again be performing, but the messages I was sending to the world were not ones I personally really believed. In fact, many of them were extremely provocative. I tried to convince myself that that was what acting was about, I mean, hey! I was on a stage again, right? Besides, 'everyone' in the industry did it. I didn't need to be a prude. I could play a part and when I walked off-stage, I would be myself again. But this was sadly not the case. This wasn't my dream. I was living someone else's dream, singing someone else's songs and playing someone else's part ~ and a very unrighteous and downright ugly one at that! I was willing to get my ‘baby' through my maidservant, an unworthy and lower standard of living. What seemed like a blessing turned out to be a curse: I was on my way to being forever remembered for these values because of the part I was playing. And I was so lost at the time, that I believed it was ok.

Thank God for His grace, for even a wretch like me can be saved. Since my walk with God is a work in progress, it took me a while to really catch His vision for my life. It was the beginning of 2003 when a friend told me about this cool church in the city whose vision was to make movies for God. I was a believer in Christ, but growing up in a ‘religious' environment most of my life, I wasn't clear what it meant to have a real relationship with Him. Since the church was holding auditions for a movie they were making, I jumped at the chance to check it out. Singing and ‘backup' dancing with a group is all well and good, but this was a chance to truly act.

I felt I had a strong audition, which was amazing to me since I hadn't been acting for about 7 years at that point. I started to really seek God more and more as I waited to hear back, my anticipation growing each day. I really felt the hand of God on me at that time, knowing that I just had to be a part of this vision God had given the church for a movie company called WYSIWYG.
After 4 months, I hadn't been called back and I was reeling a little in embarrassment. I thought my audition had been pretty darn good, yet I heard nothing. But something in me was so stirred that I had to be a part of the vision no matter what. I would answer phones, clean the floors, whatever needed to be done. I figured I could always be an extra when needed, but I had to be a part of this thing that was so much bigger than I had ever imagined. So I went back to the WYSIWYG offices.

Well, it turned out that no one had been called back. They hadn't yet reached that point in the process and several years later, we still aren't ready to cast all of the roles in the film as the script has undergone major revisions! If I had left it at that, I would still be waiting for that phone call. But when I went back out of curiosity, I ended up volunteering in the costume department until it became known that I could type. I was immediately shuffled to the office. I ended up completely committing my life to Christ full-time, got baptized and, less than a year later, Pastor Richard announced in a staff meeting that I was to be one of the Production Management team leaders. Most people in the world would have jumped at this, but I couldn't help but battle through some sinking feelings at this announcement. What could be further from the stage than the person would is responsible for taking care of everyone on it?

Through all of this process, I have learned the important lessons of shutting up my carnal mind and mouth, and allowing God to have His perfect work done in and through me. I didn't complain but just tried to do the best with what had been given to me. If Jesus fed the five thousand with five loaves and two fish, I have to trust that God has my best interests at heart. So it's here I find myself: five loaves and two fish. Giving up Ishmael to wait upon Isaac. Since working here for the last 3 1⁄2 years, I have had the opportunity to do some light acting with our film festival and it felt good to know I was not as rusty as the enemy would have me believe. But I know there are many more opportunities very near at hand for me. Isaac is on his way, and my lights aren't dimmed yet. Thankfully, this time, they'll be illuminating the true and right messages I live my life for: the Good News of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the ultimate promise worth waiting for.

Sarah Jeanne is unit production team leader for Christian WYSIWYG Filmworks. She was one of the leaders in Italy for our 70mm film test shot, which was featured in the film “Audience of One”.